Written by Timothy Makokha and Jamila Bakari 2012-07-02 17:27:00 Read 1557 Times

At least each individual has a potential to getting angry, but the difference is in the levels of anger and the ability to control it. Anger can be harmful to one especially when it stays for so long. This poses a need on how to overcome it.

All along since time immemorial elders and members of the society have been warning and advising people in general to know how to deal with anger. Several proverbs have been coined about anger in many communities, for example in Luhyia language; anger can cause death but cannot carry the dead.

Cases have been handled by courts and other leaders at the provincial administration about anger. Researchers and experts have done a lot in attempt to address matters of anger and hopefully in future anger cases will come to an end if not reducing commendably.

Anger cannot be controlled by ignoring or suppressing. Experience and science have shown how poorly those strategies work. Once anger rises past a certain point, it needs an appropriate air to be cleared.

That is, it must be expelled in a way that feels good—in a way that is literally harmless. The goal then would be to expel it in a way that does as little damage as possible. How one does this depends on the reason for the anger

Depression often results in anger directed at oneself and a person may feel powerless, and thus wish to harm self.

A person can get angry so as to achieve control. It may arise from fear or merely irritation that things are going differently in the way expected.

 People get angry so as to intimidate others and feel powerful themselves. If we feel small, getting others to feel smaller can make us feel in comparison big.

Righteous indignation coming from a person’s moral center, outrage at an inequity being committed against oneself or others may cause anger.  A person may use anger to fight injustice.

Anger is often considered a negative emotion that we should do our best to get rid of; however the validity of this will depend on why the anger arises in the first place and what it does.

For instance, anger has always been used as an appropriate response to injustice, one that does little harm to ones psychology and may even be beneficial because it motivates action to revise wrongs.

The goal, it occurs to me, isn't to eliminate anger but to control it; not to suppress it but to create value with it. How, then, can anger be properly managed?

Overcoming anger in oneself

To overcome anger in one’s self first realizes the cause then work on it.  Getting to know the cause of the anger will enable you know how to handle it correctly.

The Anger aimed at harming oneself has depression as almost certainly the main cause and should be identified and treated.

To overcome the anger aimed at achieving control; ask yourself why you feel out of control. Fear and lack of control are the common reasons.

 Anger is, fortunately or unfortunately, often a good strategy to regain control in the short-term and it is easier to feel than many of the emotions that trigger it. Anger is an expression of our unfulfilled need to control, to identify a means to provide the real control rather than the illusion of it is the best action to do. 

When such control is not possible, the next best option is to fully recognize what feelings being out of control leads to first, before anger: fear and uncertainty.

If we can identify these feelings each time they arise, we at least have a chance to deal more constructively with them-or at least more consciously.

Anger aimed to make us feel powerful is prove that we feel small and insecure and have stumbled upon anger as an effective means to feel bigger than those around us. 

Recognizing this is what is happening empowers us again to interrupt the generation of anger and instead to deal with the feelings of insecurity.

Anger at injustice can best be discharged by taking the action to correct the injustice, whether committed against yourself or someone else.

Anger may arise for more than one of these reasons at one time. Anger at an injustice committed against you may intermingle with anger aimed at achieving control.

 Anger aimed at yourself for being powerless in a given situation may intermingle with anger at someone else as a way to achieve the very power you lack.

Always remain in control of yourself  when you find yourself on the receiving end of someone's anger, they're either trying to control you in some way or make you feel small so they can feel big.

Or you've done them some kind of wrong. You should seek to understand which of the three it is.

You must tell yourself that anger is their strategy and has nothing to do with you at all, unless of course you really have committed a wrong against them, in which case you should make amends.

Help them discharge their anger in a satisfying way without causing harm. Responding to anger with anger rarely accomplishes anything positive.

If you remain in control of yourself so that another's anger neither manipulates you nor makes you feel small, you have a chance to help them deal with the real issue that triggered their anger in the first place.

 To accomplish this use the following tactics

Validate the anger first thing. Opposing  a person's anger, getting angry back at them or denying that their anger is justified all do nothing more than inflame it.

Even if their anger is not justified in your mind, convincing them of that will not accomplish any thing. It likely will not give them control over it. Feelings require no justification to be felt.

Apologize. Tell them you are sorry they had such an unpleasant experience even if it was not your fault, this way you will be able to validate the anger.

Help turn their anger into language. Get them to state in words, than in harmful action, just how angry they are. This is often an effective way to help them discharge their anger in a way that is satisfying.

Be angry together with them Act even angrier than they are. Transform yourself from the object of their anger into their equal in feeling the same anger as they.

Happy are those who know how to control anger for they will stay in harmony. An anger free society can be attained provided we take responsibility and put necessary measures in place.

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